Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
You Might Also Like
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Overindulged this afternoon.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Spring of Deception
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
how much for the angry fruit?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’