Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.