*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
fired
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me