Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
You Might Also Like
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.