My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you