Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky