Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
You Might Also Like
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]