My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month