The booster protects against what, now?
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My favorite female superhero
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL