Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
🤣🤣
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment