no their not
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I can’t be the only one 😂
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to