[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You Might Also Like
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
You had me at “define legal”.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time