Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You Might Also Like
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
an airline just for babies.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
This could be us, but you weedin’.