I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.