KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave