WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story