Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Have kids, they said
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies