If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL