Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is