Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ