Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury