NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
#MeanwhileInCanada