i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha