Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The Backseat Boys
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
definitely did not do anything wrong
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
What a chick magnet..
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”