I’m the neighbor
You Might Also Like
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?