“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
181.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Bootstraps
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?