You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.