I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Who’s your best friend?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Breaking news:
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton