the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.