“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”