#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*