A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
As the Lord intended
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.