GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My dating profile:
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.