When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
You better watch out
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go