Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
this is so top tier i cant
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.