Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Best table by far
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
🤣dope
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?