If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You Might Also Like
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!