I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The Book. The Movie.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
pat pat
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.