Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A drum solo but on your face.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?