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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang