I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.