Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
getting old is fun
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…