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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.