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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Cake!!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”