me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’m crying im so happy for them
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip