Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer