Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Same post same
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”