Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will