[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Happy weekend !
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.