Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
TRAIN’S HERE
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.